grrltastic: (menstrual dreamer)
 Blood in the Sky: Part 4
The Beachening
grrltastic: (summer)
It feels like Portland and I have turned a corner over the past couple weeks. It feels like I might actually have a home here.

After years of being intolerably lonesome in this place, I have finally uncovered connections that feel real. This is, I'm sure, due in no small part to being on medication. I now have the ability to see out of my misery hole and take actions to bail myself out. This includes the ability to contact people and get the fuck out of the house.

It's also summer (though Portland summer will be ending abruptly on Tuesday, according to the weather forecast), which always helps. I think we'll wait and see how this trajectory plays out through the early weeks of the rainy season. If it continues, I will very happily stay in Portland. I will buy my adorable bungalow in a cozy neighborhood and I will have friends over to drink wine in front of the fire, just like I imagined would happen when I moved here.

Considering this kind of future is such an abrupt change from the "throw it all in the fire" place that I was in just a few weeks ago. The idea of committing to this place no longer feels like literal suicide. In the corner of my mind I feel like this is probably a trap, but there's only one way to find out.
grrltastic: (computer science)
 I STARTED APPLYING FOR JOBS THIS WEEK.

This is equal parts exciting and terrifying.
grrltastic: (computer science)
I'm done with school in 122 days, 22 hours, 56 minutes, and 4 seconds.

Not that I'm counting.
grrltastic: (delirium)
Far and away the best thing about my new brain drug is that it makes me feel like I'm living in a Thomas Kinkade painting. Everything has kind of an ethereal, glowing quality to it. You know, like this:

A cottage by a lake. The setting is surrounded by flowers.

(Note: Things are not literally glowing, but you know what I mean.)

But anyway. The drug has managed to take the weight out of the bad things in my life. I'm still super bored and stressed out, but those things no longer feel like immutable aspects of my life. I can see that they are addressable issues, and I can formulate plans to get them under control. It also no longer feels like a complete waste of time and energy to try.

It's pretty great.

grrltastic: (tank girl)
According to Facebook, seven years ago I was starting my first shift at the Animal Emergency Clinic of Central Texas. I have so many feelings about this.

That job dramatically changed my life, almost exclusively for the better. It introduced me to some of the best people I'll ever know, and opened far stranger doors than I'd have ever thought possible. My coworkers there introduced me to the Austin bike community, drank margaritas with me on Monday mornings, and were the people I went to as my marriage was dissolving in painful, violent ways. They were the people I went to as the clinic was dissolving in painful, violent ways. Even after the clinic collapsed and I left Austin, the ripples continued outward; I moved to Portland and started a job at an emergency hospital here, which enabled me to live in my first ever solo apartment, and is where I met Trish, and is where I decided that job fucking sucked and it was time to go back to school.

So thank you, Dr. Christy, for the opportunity. I wish there was more sweet than bitter in my memories of that place, especially towards the end. But maybe in another seven years I'll get there.

Goddamn, I miss those people.

grrltastic: (menstrual dreamer)
 So far this year I have taken three trips involving plane travel, and I have been on my period for every single one. WTF. 
grrltastic: (rain)
::looks at calendar for next six weeks::
::suddenly feels incredibly tired::
grrltastic: (delirium)
 It only took 5 months, but I finally got my prescriber referral today. She will be the fourth doctor I have seen since February, and by the time of the appointment, it will have been less than a week shy of 6 months since I spent a solid two hours on the phone to get my route of entry set up. 

And that's not even including the time it will take to get actual meds sorted out. 

I'm so excited that this is finally happening, though.
grrltastic: (Default)
I just....... don't know what to do with myself when I have downtime.

Trish is out of town on her annual birthday camping trip. I was unable to attend this year because of school obligations.

And I don't know what to do. There's more work I could do on my big capstone project, but I should take a break on that because I'm working too hard and burning out. But what else do I do?

School is going to be a hard rut to get out of.
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