grrltastic: (rain)
 I'm here,  on what is essentially the eve of my new life, missing 2011. Again. Still. I don't know. 

Objectively, I know that I was desperately miserable during that time. But at the same time, my good days were so much better than anything I get now. I was building myself up from scratch and had nothing but potential. And I knew it. 

I dunno. Stable, adult life is just so... tepid. I hate it. 
grrltastic: (Default)
Things that I am feeling really hard tonight: As an individual, there's only so far that you can get in terms of knowing other people. There's a certain amount of loneliness that you always have to live with.
grrltastic: (tank girl)
According to Facebook, seven years ago I was starting my first shift at the Animal Emergency Clinic of Central Texas. I have so many feelings about this.

That job dramatically changed my life, almost exclusively for the better. It introduced me to some of the best people I'll ever know, and opened far stranger doors than I'd have ever thought possible. My coworkers there introduced me to the Austin bike community, drank margaritas with me on Monday mornings, and were the people I went to as my marriage was dissolving in painful, violent ways. They were the people I went to as the clinic was dissolving in painful, violent ways. Even after the clinic collapsed and I left Austin, the ripples continued outward; I moved to Portland and started a job at an emergency hospital here, which enabled me to live in my first ever solo apartment, and is where I met Trish, and is where I decided that job fucking sucked and it was time to go back to school.

So thank you, Dr. Christy, for the opportunity. I wish there was more sweet than bitter in my memories of that place, especially towards the end. But maybe in another seven years I'll get there.

Goddamn, I miss those people.

grrltastic: (rain)
 I am trying so hard to get my whiny bullshit homesick-for-Austin business under control. It's fucking exhausting for me, and I'm sure everyone around me is tired of hearing about it.

But then my subconscious chimes in with dreams about my friends and community and actually belonging to something and feeling wanted and ugggggggggggggggghhhhh.

YOU GUYS. WHY IS THIS SO HARD. Coming to Portland was the right choice, so why am I so miserable?
grrltastic: (rain)
 
 Quiff:
 Scruffy dude with aforementioned hairstyle
 

Though mine had substantially less beard to go with it. And also a general lack of willingness to stand up.

Last Wednesday I blew off my usual routine (10 hours of homework/procrastination) and went out to get an actual haircut. So now it's just short and much less disappointing. I also scheduled a consult for a tattoo, my first real Portland tattoo. It felt good to spend time on myself, and it's something I need to do more of (probably in smaller bursts, rather than letting it bottle up and then forgoing a lot of shit that I probably need to be doing.)

Trish and I also went out and looked at a couple different rental properties, with the thought that maybe our dingy crap-heap of an apartment is contributing to my general distaste for Portland life. But then it's that moving is expensive and a lot of work, and the places that fit in our budget aren't really much improvement over where we are now. Trish also has a tendency toward complacency in terms of living arrangement - or maybe I tend towards being high-strung in terms of living arrangement.

This winter has been hard. All of the winters here are hard. We've talked about what happens post-graduation. And it's the "too many options" situation. I want to say that the interim is just treading water, but I guess that's not true. I'm working too hard at school to be considered stationary. So it's just pushing through this bit until it's time for something that feels less like being asleep.
grrltastic: (Default)
I cut my own hair,
But now my quiff won't stand up.
It didn't fix me.
grrltastic: (Default)
 I very desperately miss having a social life.

But inasmuch as fun stuff only happens here on the weekends (while I am working) and I am too busy for friends right now anyway, I'm just going to have to suck it up and get through it. The day will come again when I get to spend time with people who I like and who like me.

Probably when I've moved somewhere people get enough sunshine and aren't so goddamn grumpy all the time.
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