grrltastic: (computer science)
You guys I AM GETTING SO CLOSE TO THE END.

I have four weeks left of class, and then finals, and then I will receive the golden ticket to the rest of my life. I have been talking to recruiters and touring offices and interviewing with hiring managers. I am going to graduate soon, and I am going to have a job.

This is causing me really intense anxiety. Apparently somewhere along the way I learned that feeling hopeful about stuff is the quickest way to soul-crushing disappointment.

So that's fun. But, like, OMG. OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG.
grrltastic: (delirium)
Far and away the best thing about my new brain drug is that it makes me feel like I'm living in a Thomas Kinkade painting. Everything has kind of an ethereal, glowing quality to it. You know, like this:

A cottage by a lake. The setting is surrounded by flowers.

(Note: Things are not literally glowing, but you know what I mean.)

But anyway. The drug has managed to take the weight out of the bad things in my life. I'm still super bored and stressed out, but those things no longer feel like immutable aspects of my life. I can see that they are addressable issues, and I can formulate plans to get them under control. It also no longer feels like a complete waste of time and energy to try.

It's pretty great.

Doing it!

Feb. 2nd, 2016 12:52 pm
grrltastic: (rain)
 7 phone calls and 90 minutes later, I now have an appointment with a primary care physician in 3 weeks who might be able to refer me to a psychiatrist.

But at least I have health insurance to pay for it, and at least it's something.
grrltastic: (delirium)
 I am very particular about the way I like to be touched, and sometimes this makes me feel broken.

I like hugs and high fives and taps to get my attention. Touching in the context of sex, or in active flirting is also acceptable. I guess these could be considered as touches that serve a specific purpose. They convey a specific, discrete message. I can handle this.

The prolonged touches, or touches that don't result in action on my part are what really freak me out. I don't like having hands rested on me for an extended period of time, or repeated touching that doesn't generate a new message. Trish is a touchy-feely person, and likes to put her hand on my knee or elbow, or stroke my arm, or whatever when we're near each other. In these instances, her hand on my body makes my brain scream in a really bad way. I get really fixated on the sensation of touch and can't concentrate on anything else, and it builds to feeling like I have to get away now now now nownownownow until it stops. This sensation is really magnified in public places.

This is hard. Logically, I know that Trish is touching me because she likes me and wants to express her affection for me. Physically it feels like I'm going to start shrieking uncontrollably until it stops. This has been an issue in previous relationships as well. I haven't come up with a way to explain it to my partner without feeling like I'm rejecting the entirety of their love. In fact, one of my very favorite things about being single and living on my own was that nobody touched me unless I specifically sought them out to do so.

¯\_(ツ)_/¯
grrltastic: (delirium)
 It's been just over a month since I started taking St. John's Wort (350mg TID, for those following along at home).

At this point I feel like I can safely say that I'm really impressed with its performance. It's helped to dispel the constant sense of pointlessness that used to follow me around. Now when I have quiet moments, I feel content as opposed to fixating on small imperfections in my life. When I think about my past, I'm happy with the experiences I have had and happy with the potential to have different experiences in my present and future, rather than feeling like I'll never be able to be that happy/loved/included/successful/(whatever thing I'd decided was missing from my life) again. I feel more motivated to seek out active entertainment - I started knitting regularly again after several years' lapse.

I have also reconnected with several friends in a really emotionally intimate way over the last month. This may or may not be related, but it feels really good nonetheless.

Not kind of wanting to die most of the time is so awesome, you guys. I had no idea.

Day Five

Sep. 9th, 2014 07:22 am
grrltastic: (Default)
This is mostly a reply to a comment from [personal profile] pinesandmaples re:St. John's Wort, plus some elaboration.

TW: Suicidal Ideation )

I will say that I've seen a really remarkable improvement in my sleeping habits since I started the... medication? ...supplement? Whatever. I started taking it on the evening of the 5th, and even that very first night I woke up without an alarm after 7-8 hours of sleep feeling rested and ready to engage with my day. This is a really marked improvement over my usual "sleep 10-14 hours and then be a groggy piece of shit forever" routine. It feels really good to have so much more daylight to work with, but not in a manic "I've slept 3 hours over the past 6 days!" kind of way.

Even if this is the only noticeable difference the St. John's Wort makes, it's totally worth it.

Day One

Sep. 6th, 2014 02:50 am
grrltastic: (Default)
 I started St. Johns Wort today because I am tired of my brain suddenly deciding that everything is always going to be awful.

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