I'm trying to put together a letter for our Christmas cards this year.

[grrltastic]

Initially, it felt Bad™ because I couldn't come up with any achievements outside of "planned a wedding I didn't want to have" (editors note: definitely wanted to get married, just super didn't want to deal with wedding bs) and "showed up at a wedding" and "started seeing a new therapist for the 4th time in 6 years." But, like, fucking whatever.

It is true that I really wish the wedding hadn't taken up like 80% of all of my bandwidth this year, but it was a nice party and in the end I did really appreciate having friends and family around to share the occasion with us. It was surprisingly impactful to have their love and support. It was good.

It's also true that this year was a lot of hard work. I did start seeing a new therapist for the 4th time in 6 years. One of the things I'm working on is making space for myself and feeling proud of the things that I do! It's hard!

But, while I was self-denigrating for my lack of gold star-worthy achievements, I remembered the poem "A Good Day" by Kait Rokowski.

"Yesterday, I spent 60 dollars on groceries,
took the bus home,
carried both bags with two good arms back to my studio apartment
and cooked myself dinner.
You and I may have different definitions of a good day.
This week, I paid my rent and my credit card bill,
worked 60 hours between my two jobs,
only saw the sun on my cigarette breaks
and slept like a rock.
Flossed in the morning,
locked my door,
and remembered to buy eggs."

So. I don't know. I'm proud of me! I'm proud of the things I've done and the way I've taken care of myself. I think that can coexist with feeling tired of always feeling like there's more work to do.

I think there are a couple of things in play here. One is that I think my standard of "what's good enough" is probably wildly out of step with how being a human works. The other is that I'm living a radically different life from where I was three years ago and I haven't calibrated to what I want out of it. For all its shortcomings, my life in Portland was one that I crafted very deliberately. It was built out of things I loved and that were very important to me. Figuring out how to move on from that is hard.

---

So. It's still feeling awkward. I'm waffling on whether to just sign an "all the best for 2023!" sentiment into the cards and send them as-is. I don't have to have a showstopper year to be worth expressing love for those around me, I guess. Or maybe I'll put together some real sappy bullshit. "Yes, hello new in-laws. I am, in fact, a complete weirdo. Surprise!"

...I like it.

Comments

[switterbeet]

It seems (at least from the outside, internet portal from Canada) that you are in the process of crafting a life very deliberately now. Which involves having had a good wedding (which is now done and over and you don't have to do it again ever unless you want to!) and being married and taking care of your brain. And also figuring out what parts you want in this life, which is like step 2 of crafting!

Awkward cards are love, as are just "HEY IT CHRIMMAS AND I THOUGHT OF YOU!" cards. <3

[grrltastic]

Awkward cards are love

That's an extremely solid point.

And I think you're right about the life trajectory thing. Figuring out what to do with the materials I've accumulated feels pretty accurate.