grrltastic: (computer science)

I have four weeks left of class, and then finals, and then I will receive the golden ticket to the rest of my life. I have been talking to recruiters and touring offices and interviewing with hiring managers. I am going to graduate soon, and I am going to have a job.

This is causing me really intense anxiety. Apparently somewhere along the way I learned that feeling hopeful about stuff is the quickest way to soul-crushing disappointment.

So that's fun. But, like, OMG. OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG.
grrltastic: (Default)
Things that I am feeling really hard tonight: As an individual, there's only so far that you can get in terms of knowing other people. There's a certain amount of loneliness that you always have to live with.


Oct. 26th, 2016 04:22 pm
grrltastic: (rain)
 We're going to get through the entirety of October with only 2 rain-free days. I am losing my goddamn mind. 
grrltastic: (menstrual dreamer)
This seems to be a topic of conversation lately, and I have a couple thoughts.

Gross! )

grrltastic: (rain)
 Type, erase.
Type, erase.
Type, erase.

There are a lot of things going on in my head right now, and I'm having a hard time separating the threads enough to explain any of them with any degree of accuracy.

Posts forthcoming.

False alarm

Oct. 3rd, 2016 10:03 pm
grrltastic: (rain)
So, it turns out the rainy season is still a thing, and it still definitely fucks with my ability to be a happy, functional human.

Nothing to see here, move along. 
grrltastic: (menstrual dreamer)
 Blood in the Sky: Part 4
The Beachening
grrltastic: (summer)
It feels like Portland and I have turned a corner over the past couple weeks. It feels like I might actually have a home here.

After years of being intolerably lonesome in this place, I have finally uncovered connections that feel real. This is, I'm sure, due in no small part to being on medication. I now have the ability to see out of my misery hole and take actions to bail myself out. This includes the ability to contact people and get the fuck out of the house.

It's also summer (though Portland summer will be ending abruptly on Tuesday, according to the weather forecast), which always helps. I think we'll wait and see how this trajectory plays out through the early weeks of the rainy season. If it continues, I will very happily stay in Portland. I will buy my adorable bungalow in a cozy neighborhood and I will have friends over to drink wine in front of the fire, just like I imagined would happen when I moved here.

Considering this kind of future is such an abrupt change from the "throw it all in the fire" place that I was in just a few weeks ago. The idea of committing to this place no longer feels like literal suicide. In the corner of my mind I feel like this is probably a trap, but there's only one way to find out.
grrltastic: (computer science)

This is equal parts exciting and terrifying.
grrltastic: (computer science)
I'm done with school in 122 days, 22 hours, 56 minutes, and 4 seconds.

Not that I'm counting.
grrltastic: (delirium)
Far and away the best thing about my new brain drug is that it makes me feel like I'm living in a Thomas Kinkade painting. Everything has kind of an ethereal, glowing quality to it. You know, like this:

A cottage by a lake. The setting is surrounded by flowers.

(Note: Things are not literally glowing, but you know what I mean.)

But anyway. The drug has managed to take the weight out of the bad things in my life. I'm still super bored and stressed out, but those things no longer feel like immutable aspects of my life. I can see that they are addressable issues, and I can formulate plans to get them under control. It also no longer feels like a complete waste of time and energy to try.

It's pretty great.

grrltastic: (tank girl)
According to Facebook, seven years ago I was starting my first shift at the Animal Emergency Clinic of Central Texas. I have so many feelings about this.

That job dramatically changed my life, almost exclusively for the better. It introduced me to some of the best people I'll ever know, and opened far stranger doors than I'd have ever thought possible. My coworkers there introduced me to the Austin bike community, drank margaritas with me on Monday mornings, and were the people I went to as my marriage was dissolving in painful, violent ways. They were the people I went to as the clinic was dissolving in painful, violent ways. Even after the clinic collapsed and I left Austin, the ripples continued outward; I moved to Portland and started a job at an emergency hospital here, which enabled me to live in my first ever solo apartment, and is where I met Trish, and is where I decided that job fucking sucked and it was time to go back to school.

So thank you, Dr. Christy, for the opportunity. I wish there was more sweet than bitter in my memories of that place, especially towards the end. But maybe in another seven years I'll get there.

Goddamn, I miss those people.

grrltastic: (menstrual dreamer)
 So far this year I have taken three trips involving plane travel, and I have been on my period for every single one. WTF. 
grrltastic: (rain)
::looks at calendar for next six weeks::
::suddenly feels incredibly tired::
grrltastic: (delirium)
 It only took 5 months, but I finally got my prescriber referral today. She will be the fourth doctor I have seen since February, and by the time of the appointment, it will have been less than a week shy of 6 months since I spent a solid two hours on the phone to get my route of entry set up. 

And that's not even including the time it will take to get actual meds sorted out. 

I'm so excited that this is finally happening, though.
grrltastic: (Default)
I just....... don't know what to do with myself when I have downtime.

Trish is out of town on her annual birthday camping trip. I was unable to attend this year because of school obligations.

And I don't know what to do. There's more work I could do on my big capstone project, but I should take a break on that because I'm working too hard and burning out. But what else do I do?

School is going to be a hard rut to get out of.


Jun. 15th, 2016 03:44 pm
grrltastic: (summer)
New Orleans was SUPER GREAT, you guys! I had a really lovely, relaxing time and I am kind of (very) in love with the Big Easy now.

In addition to having a marvelous time with [personal profile] pinesandmaples , I also got to hang out with a bunch of random gay men I met at what is evidently the oldest continually-operated gay bar in the country, ride my bike around the French Quarter, and do ABSOLUTELY NOTHING PRODUCTIVE. It was glorious.

But now I'm back home and back down to business, which also feels good because it is putting me closer to the date when I can move back to a place where there is the sun and also strangers who are very friendly and will hang out with you in a bar even though you just met.

I'm gonna make it.

grrltastic: (tank girl)
 Why am I incapable of not poking the Facebook politics bear!?!? All it does is make me mad, and yet. 

And yet. 

Is it vacation? How about now? 
grrltastic: (rain)
 Today I'm really sad, and I miss my friends. It is not a good day to crawl under my desk and cry, but tomorrow will be. And with any luck, the day after that I won't feel like this anymore. 
grrltastic: (summer)
 Thanks to some Good Timing on a variety of fronts, I'm gonna go to New Orleans to see [personal profile] pinesandmaples in a weeeeeeeeeeeek! 

I've known them since 2004, and they're one of the few people I've been internet friends with forever and haven't met in person yet! This is all very exciting! 
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