grrltastic | Recent Entries

Once upon a time I made a lot of my own clothes.

Through my early/mid 20s, I did a lot of sewing/knitting and most days my outfit hat at least one piece I'd made myself. This isn't to say that piece was necessarily good but it sure was there.

That tapered off pretty dramatically when I moved to Austin. The crippling depression/no money/extremely shitty spouse sucked the motivation our of basically everything and then once Jay and I split up, I was too busy being a drunk mess to really engage with hobbies.

I did just the tiniest bit of garment construction in Portland. In the 10 years I lived there, I think I successfully completed one sundress and a..... dressy tank top? Anyway. I think a big part of this was the Bike Life. It's hard to want to invest a lot of time/money in the clothes you're wearing if they're just going to be crumpled and sweaty all the time. IDK.

ANYWAY. Here we are! It's been like 15 years since I did this with any regularity, but I'm getting back on the horse! I ordered a handful of patterns and some fabric off Etsy a couple days ago and I bought a lovely second hand serger yesterday from a delightful woman named Valda in southwest Missouri. I'm excited! It's exciting!

Man. I watched The Great Gatsby last night because I thought it would be an amusing thing to have on in the background and then got SUPER involved in it and now I'm kind of wrecked. I think I need a blanket rule of not watching Baz Luhrmann films because JESUS CHRIST his portrayals of love and romance are TOO MUCH and always leave me feeling fucking hollow for days afterwards.

I do have some Feminist™ feelings about the story but they're pretty lost in a sea of pining.

Current Mood: SOUL-WRENCHING LONGING
Current Music: Lana Del Rey - In My Feelings

Cards got sent out sans-letter. I did get them in the mail before February, so I still consider it a success.

Of the many changes in my life since moving to Arkansas from the Pacific Northwest, the fact that we now get weather is one of my favorites; it never seemed natural to have months and months of nothing but drizzle. Being back amongst the thunderstorms just feels right.

Of course, that does entail things like "actual winter kind of." It's not the months-long slog that the Midwest was, but it sure is SNOWY AND EXTREMELY COLD today. As of writing, our windchill is hovering around 0°F, with a forecast low around -20. So, that's fun.

We were set to start our Christmas travel tomorrow, but given the fact that my hometown is experiencing an actual blizzard it's gonna have to wait a few days. I'm glad to be in driving distance this year. The extra flexibility continues to be a boon.

Current Mood: cold

Initially, it felt Bad™ because I couldn't come up with any achievements outside of "planned a wedding I didn't want to have" (editors note: definitely wanted to get married, just super didn't want to deal with wedding bs) and "showed up at a wedding" and "started seeing a new therapist for the 4th time in 6 years." But, like, fucking whatever.

It is true that I really wish the wedding hadn't taken up like 80% of all of my bandwidth this year, but it was a nice party and in the end I did really appreciate having friends and family around to share the occasion with us. It was surprisingly impactful to have their love and support. It was good.

It's also true that this year was a lot of hard work. I did start seeing a new therapist for the 4th time in 6 years. One of the things I'm working on is making space for myself and feeling proud of the things that I do! It's hard!

But, while I was self-denigrating for my lack of gold star-worthy achievements, I remembered the poem "A Good Day" by Kait Rokowski.

"Yesterday, I spent 60 dollars on groceries,
took the bus home,
carried both bags with two good arms back to my studio apartment
and cooked myself dinner.
You and I may have different definitions of a good day.
This week, I paid my rent and my credit card bill,
worked 60 hours between my two jobs,
only saw the sun on my cigarette breaks
and slept like a rock.
Flossed in the morning,
locked my door,
and remembered to buy eggs."

So. I don't know. I'm proud of me! I'm proud of the things I've done and the way I've taken care of myself. I think that can coexist with feeling tired of always feeling like there's more work to do.

I think there are a couple of things in play here. One is that I think my standard of "what's good enough" is probably wildly out of step with how being a human works. The other is that I'm living a radically different life from where I was three years ago and I haven't calibrated to what I want out of it. For all its shortcomings, my life in Portland was one that I crafted very deliberately. It was built out of things I loved and that were very important to me. Figuring out how to move on from that is hard.

So. It's still feeling awkward. I'm waffling on whether to just sign an "all the best for 2023!" sentiment into the cards and send them as-is. I don't have to have a showstopper year to be worth expressing love for those around me, I guess. Or maybe I'll put together some real sappy bullshit. "Yes, hello new in-laws. I am, in fact, a complete weirdo. Surprise!"

...I like it.

Current Mood: blah
Current Music: Zero 7 - In The Waiting Line

'Tis the season for Spotify's Christmas Cocktail Jazz playlist, and there's nothing you can do to stop me.

I've been thinking a lot recently about platonic intimacy and what that means. Lately I feel like I'm struggling to make real connections with friends. I suspect it's rooted in 2+ years of isolation/pandemic anxiety, but it often feels like there's just too much to unpack to get around to the root of what's actually going on in my life.

I also encountered this when I was like "self, I'm going to start using social media to cultivate actual human relationships" (which is a sentiment that makes my eyes roll out of my head but also I'm so, so lonely so whatever) and then had to think about being actually vulnerable.

I don't understand how I managed this when I was in my teens/twenties.

Current Mood: tightly-wound
Current Music: Grayville Trio - Have Yourself a Merry Christmas

Well, the whole global landscape of social media is changing I guess. And here I am again!

I also signed up for a Neocities site today because apparently it's time to take my internet experience back to 2001.

---

I have kind of a migraine this morning and instead of doing work spent time flipping back through my old LiveJournal posts. Sometimes I feel like I should delete the whole thing and call it a day, but I've started diving into "childhood experiences" in therapy and having a reference back to the ways I felt about things in my teens-twenties is probably an okay thing.

Being a person is weird.

Current Mood: curious

I wish people would stop asking me when I'm moving to Seattle.

Current Mood: annoyed

Every day I say to myself, "Self, today we're going to call Mom because it's been like three weeks and you need to do it."

And then I don't.

Oops.

I started running last week and I love it.

The "new" apartment I moved into almost 6 months ago has a gym on the ground floor. When I moved in, I told myself I'd start using the facility as soon as I had time/energy/brain space to devote to the task; last week that finally happened.

I'm not running very far or very fast, but the half hour I spend on the treadmill is the quietest my brain ever gets and it makes me feel like I'm really, finally taking care of myself in a way that I need.

Current Mood: loved

Within the last month or so I hit a point where I no longer feel like I have to leave Portland to survive. I'm still not convinced that it's my best possible place, but I do feel like if I do end up here forever I'm not doing myself a huge disservice. This makes Portland, after 8 years, the only place I've ever lived that I didn't want to leave.

I think this might be what growing up feels like.

Current Mood: calm

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Well, That Could Have Gone Better:

A very grrltastic adventure

Recent Entries

Gonna sew myself so many black dresses 🧙‍♀️

I did really enjoy it, though.

Over the river and through the woods

I'm trying to put together a letter for our Christmas cards this year.

If we're gonna crack this thing open, we have to start somewhere.

Uh. Hi?

I appreciate the enthusiasm but

Terrible child

One foot in front of the other (100 words)

Home, or something like it

March 2023

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